Recently, I put up a couple of ultrasound pics on my cube at work. These were the ultrasounds that we had done several weeks ago and I finally got around to putting them up at work. This morning one of the gals I work with stopped me in the hall and said "I saw your new baby pics, they're very cool." At first, I was confused.. how could I have baby pics when I the baby isn't even born yet? But then I realized that she was talking about the ultrasound pics.... Oh yeah.. those are nice.
They asked the usual questions...
When is it due?
Do you know what it is?
Are you excited?
I have no problems answering the first two questions... but that third one gets me every time. I almost wish people wouldn't ask if I'm some specific adjective.... but go a little more general.. like "how do you feel?"... "what do you think about all this?" Because I can't seem to answer a simple yes or no to "Are you excited?"
How do you capture and describe the million different things you feel about becoming a father and having a baby. A few weeks ago, I was looking at the baby registry that Allison had put together (and no, I can't take any credit for it) and I started to feel my chest compressing and I got really nervous, like I was having an anxiety attack. "Oh my God.. I'm becoming a dad, oh my god, am I really ready for this?" I'm sure these type of panic attacks are normal, but when you've never had them before they are quite frightening. Sure, I'm excited about the prospect of being a dad.. but with that comes a lot of insecurity. Will I be a good dad? Will she trust me? Will she confide in me? Will I be a vessel of safety and security? And on and on an on.
Everyone says the same thing.. you'll be fine... you'll be great.... once they say "Dada" for the first time or hug your leg.. and inside my mind, I know these things are true.. but knowing these things to be true doesn't ease the anxiety any. Most of the time, I try not to think about it... which is easy for me because I'm not the pregnant one... but it's there in the back of my mind, along with the joy, anticipation, and the love I feel for me growing child.
Most of the time, I just think about how I smother my dog... and think.. my little girl is going to be sooooo spoiled by me.
4 comments:
Believe me, I feel the same way. I get those same questions and I usually just force a smile and say "Yes, we're so excited." It's the most frightening prospect of my life becoming a mom. You can't really take that back!
But then I look around at all these people who have had children and have done just fine and I think, why not me? Actually I think this is going to be one lucky kid. She has parents who are devoted to each other and to being a family. She has a wonderful, loving extended family on both sides.
We'll muddle through this together, and we have a lot of people to rely on for help and experience. You will be a great father, I have no doubts about that.
Course every time I think about researching daycare, my panic attacks begin...guess it's always something!
So, how you do you feel? What do you think about all this? :D
Fatherhood has been a trip, a great, wonderful, scary, sometimes painful thing for me. Just went I start thinking I fubar'd this child, he does something that makes me realizes I didn't. There will be times where you'll think you're doing a horrible job as a parent. And there will be times when they rebel against everything you ever taught them. But, what brings me comfort in those times is Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." And, I don't mean that in a relgious way... Also, it's been my experience that kids learn more from example than from being told. Meaning, if you want them to keep their room clean, keep your room clean too. :)
Ryan (and Allison!) you are such great writers. I'm glad you are choosing to share via the blog. And I must say I'M excited for you.
I'm so happy your baby has such a loving set of parents.
If you need someone to animal-sit this or early next month for any strange reason, please let me know!!
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